Love Without Diamonds

Q. I have been hearing about “conflict diamonds”…. can you shed some light?

A.There is a lot in the news lately about the controversy regarding the source of diamonds and what has been called “conflict diamonds.”

• The cast and producers of the 2006 movie, Blood Diamond, including Leonardo DiCaprio, discussed the issue on Oprah.
• A New York Times article by Mireya Navarro from December 14, 2006, Diamonds are for Never? explains that conflict or blood diamonds refer to “gems that have been used by rebel groups to pay for wars that have killed and displaced millions of people in Africa, the source of an estimated 65 percent of the world’s diamonds.”
• Carley Roney, editor in chief of theknot.com, a wedding website, states, “There’s extensive discussion going on our message boards. Many women are saying, ‘This is suppose to be a symbol of all things good and I don’t want to look down on my finger and think of women and children being killed.’ It undermines the entire meaning of that ring.”

Tom Zoellner, in his new book The Heartless Stone: A Journey Through the World of Diamonds, Deceit and Desire, says that “the best defense against dirty diamonds is to ask questions.” However, it seems that many stores don’t know the origin of their stones to be able to “show a guarantee that the diamonds are conflict free.” ( And if there is a copy of Edward Jay Epstein's 1982 out-of-print expose, The Rise and Fall of Diamonds: The Shattering of an Illusion, still available in my Amazon Bookstore, grab it!)

As you read more about the global social repercussions and political aspects of conflict diamonds and how it might affect your desire for a diamond ring, consider this. Like any new awareness, this is an opportunity to re-look at any decision you make. Is your decision coming from a real choice—something that forwards the best part of you and building a deep relationship—or one that comes from a cultural trend, some fashion buzz, a marketing gimmick (even one that has become a “tradition”)?

We’ve come to believe that engagement diamonds and wedding rings are a must in the whole “getting married” scenario. In Bride’s Inc. – American Weddings and the Business of Tradition, author Vicki Howard fills us in on how certain wedding “traditions” grew out of a natural wellspring of love and connection (very few) and which “traditions” were manufactured for commercial gain (most of them).

Ms. Howard states: “Jeweled engagement rings appeared in the nineteenth century, sometimes serving as the only ring... During the 1870s, when diamonds became more plentiful after the discovery of new sources in Africa, Tiffany’s brought popular attention to these gems… In 1886, Tiffany’s introduced the diamond solitaire style that became a standard… By the 1920s, the jewelry industry portrayed marriage as a consumer rite…and became a key player in the commercialization of the American wedding by the mid-twentieth century. Composed of specialty retail jewelers and manufacturers, it provided rings for marrying, but more important, it helped shape the cultural meaning of these goods and their accompanying rituals.”

In other words, rings and ring sets have been marketed for years in such a way that would have it appear that diamond rings are a “tradition” of long standing. The advertising has been tweaked to play to egos and status. Typically men want to please the women they love and sometimes their egos get in the way of their practical sense; like shopping for a new diamond ring that they can't afford, or where the funds would be better spent on something that forwards the well-being of your marriage and family. Why don't you have a heart-to-heart discussion together?

Consider shopping for vintage rings, or wearing only a wedding band, or inquiring about family heirloom rings that may be available—don't get hooked by wedding industryhype! What does your heart say? What serves building a loving, deep relationship?

The truth is, you are just as “in love” or engaged or married without anything gold or platinum or silver or diamond. A ring—or any symbol—is not necessary for expressing love or being married. You can be just as married without a ring. What is in your heart, however, is the key to your happiness, not the size of a diamond ring.