Q. “How do I make my wedding memorable?”
-Bride-to-Be, Atlanta, GA

A. Two key things: Keep your attention on your relationship. Make choices from your open heart.

There is tone, a quality that gets expressed in a wedding—not only from your outer aesthetic, but also from your inner spirit—and both become part of the proceedings. Before it’s time to make decisions for your wedding—from the décor to the divine—colors, flowers, rituals, music, vows, words to be spoken—be sure that you have a personal practice in place that takes care of YOU, like a quiet meditative ritual where you can hear your wise, inner voice.

Try this: Take several deep breaths, put your attention inside, center yourself, and as your busy mind gets a bit quieter, listen to what your inner voice is saying, and make choices from that quieter place. Continue making decisions from that quiet, wise “you”—that’s your intuition speaking. Your wedding will then reflect that inner wisdom, beauty, and spirit; and that essence will touch the lives of all who are present, as well as enhance the rest of your life. What your heart “remembers” is the key to a memorable wedding!

A. I like your idea! I encourage brides not to become easy prey to the “invented traditions” (as Vicki Howard calls them in her book, Brides, Inc.) of our overly commercial world. Make decisions that you really choose! There is no rule that says you have to a cake or cake-cutting ceremony—or rings, flowers, or attendants wearing matching dresses—for your wedding ceremony or reception. Yes, these things have become traditions, but traditions—no matter how lovely they may be—are not demands from some wedding guru! They are symbols of something much deeper; however, if they become more important than your relationship with the people in your life, then, Dear One, you’ve been had. Choose the elements for your wedding from your heart—and especially what is appropriate for a responsible budget—and not just the trendy fashion of the day. “And let them eat cookies!”

A. The "tradition" of gifts for wedding guests has actually been around awhile—at least a few centuries. English wedding historian Ann Monsarrat takes the custom back to 17th century England—where it probably had an even earlier, but rather checkered past from France! (More about that in a future issue of Weddings of Grace!) These gifts were called “favours”—charming little presentations of ribbons tied in knots—souvenirs that were prized in these more superstitious times and worn by men and women to bring good luck. Through the years, the giving of favours went in and out of fashion, but showed up in early 20th century America as little sprays of flowers tied with ribbons.

Now to the present: Many weddings have become “consumer rites” and this current gift giving trend is part of these “invented traditions” that seemed to have become de rigueur, especially for your daughter’s generation. But remember, even if something has become a tradition—it is NOT a RULE! There are many ways of being gracious and warm hosts—and it’s not about whether or not you give your guests some little token to take home with them.

The most precious gift that your guests can take away from your wedding is that they have been in the presence of open hearts and generous spirits. And if you (and your budget!) decide that you also want to include an “object” as part of the gift, then choose from your wise, level-headed self; not because the commercial wedding industry (or your neighbors) say so!

A. What a thoughtful question. You didn’t ask how to please everyone (which is impossible), but how to create balance. Weddings are not just about two people; it is an event connecting at least two families, two communities, and a lot of history! And that’s the case even if the couple grew up in the same hometown. But when couples come from very different backgrounds—especially one or both from an “old-world” ritual-oriented society—there is a great deal of “cultural inheritance” that is brought to the party.

Everybody has opinions and expectations about your wedding—parents and other family members, friends, religious institutions, societal heritage, commercial venues. So it’s important for you to enter into this wedding planning time not “set in your ways,” but more “settled into” a mature, generous nature with some clarity about how you want to express yourself as a bride. (And this is the case if you are planning your wedding in “partnership” with someone—your mother, fiancé, friend, professional wedding planner—or if you are the one and only decision maker.)

Perhaps you could do some version of this:
Graciously ask each of the major players (i.e.: father, mother, fiancé) what they envision for your wedding. Thank them for their ideas, and let them know that you value their vision and that you are putting their suggestions into your “vision pot” to be considered. Then, when you are in a quiet, meditative place, consider what they’ve offered, consider your own vision—ideas, dreams, desires, and even what you might consider “silly notions”—and stir the “vision pot!” Choose the elements and ideas that light you up: honoring your heritage respectfully, delighting your aesthetic, and bringing peace and joy into your heart and your fiancé’s. Don’t try to “please” anyone; but honor them and be grateful for the contribution that your heritage—past and present—has given and is giving you.